The Devil Wears Acid Wash

I was having trouble finding my old copies of Vogue until I remembered I’d filed them under “Passe.”

United Whey

I’m pretty sure we all know who wears the pants in that marriage.

Dinner Date

If I could have dinner with anyone in the world, dead or alive, I’d pick Anthony Bourdain or Wolfgang Puck.

How To Be Your Own Uncle

OCD Twelve-Step Program

I
Step 1: Learn to recognize obsessive thoughts and compulsive urges.
Step 1: Learn to recognize obsessive thoughts and compulsive urges.
Step 1: Learn to recognize obsessive thoughts and compulsive urges.

II
Step 1: Learn to recognize obsessive thoughts and compulsive urges.
Step 3: Reattribute the intensity of the thought or urge to its real cause.
Step 5: Work around the OCD thoughts and urges by shifting attention to something else.

The Most Confusing ‘Overheard’

Oh, that place is great.  My daughter-in-law is getting married there next month.

 

4+8+15+16+23+42=108

Do you think it’s possible that someone told Lindsay, in a-Desmond-from-Lostian way, that after the 997th time she’s photographed giving the peace sign there will actually, instantaneously, be peace on earth?

And if there’s even a slight chance that this guy might be right, is it our duty as a nation to continue letting her flip the two-fingered olive branch every time there’s a camera around?

Questions abound. This is what happens when the Pope comes to America.

Politically Correct School Supplies

1. Bilingual Reading Book
2. Holiday Season Calendar
3. African American Pencils

I Guess You Can Be a Disciple

When the only Jesus you know is a line cook at the diner down the street…

“Hey guys, where’s Jesus?”
“Isn’t he supposed to be back by now?”
“Yeah, and he’s scheduled to work a double shift.”

Unhappy Meal

Since the founding of the first McDonald’s restaurant in 1940, the fast food trend has been emblematic of the American way of life: fast, easy, greasy and interested in little else besides the stuffing of one’s own stomach. But then came 2003 and the Freedom Fries Fiasco — an attack on French opposition to the UN’s potential invasion of Iraq. With this move, the United States invited politics into the last place it should ever be found: fast food. Imagine — heated debates at the condiment bar, the segregation of the dining area into blue plastic seat factions and red plastic seat factions.. I’ve even gotten wind of a coup d’etat meant to dethrone Ronald McDonald. Not to mention Grimace’ s petty-theft themed smear campaign against the Hamburglar! The way this trend is going, I foresee only one end, marking the zenith of political fast food: The Unhappy Meal. Complete with these delicious food items: